Thursday, May 21, 2009
Bugs love me. They flock to me. They follow me home. They eat me as often as they can. They strive to live where I live- and most recently- they strive to EAT where I live. To the bees I must smell like nectar. To the mosquitoes my blood is the most sweet. To all other creatures-spiders, beetles, fruit flies, ants, crazy caterpillar things, crickets, and so on- my front door must say, "Welcome! Please Enter. Come one, come all!!!"
I am convinced this must be true because every spring I am plagued, plagued, plagued!! Actually- that is exactly the word for it. I must have a major sin hanging out there that I have plain forgotten about- because pestilence is upon me, and this year is the worst of them all.
Let me give details.... First, my garage, dining room and front porch have become infested with carpenter ants. I have read that in order to truly eradicate them and stop them from turning my home into Swiss cheese I need to find and destroy their nest/nests. I keep watching the little buggers and their "travel" habits seem to lead me every which way. I have no idea where they are staying!
Second, I have another carpenter friend; the carpenter bee. These guys are huge. They have eaten hide-aways into the trim of my house. The males are aggressive, and although they can't sting they love to chase me and buzz right in my face whenever I go outside. Hello! This is my nest- not yours! Get off my property!! I have read everything I need to know about eradicating the stinkers. It is a major pain and due to their location will require a huge ladder.
On to the next winged terrorist- the hornet/yellow jacket. We used to get a hornets nest every year in this old built in-barbecue in our yard. Since, it didn't work anyway, we had it removed, along with the little buggers. Did that stop them? No, of course not. Now they have taken up camp in the eaves of my dining room. They have built their hive, are raising their spawn or whatever they do, and will continue to attach themselves to various places on my property no matter how many times we kill them.
Fourth- I've noticed some funny yellow dust below the legs of my kitchen table. Every day I wipe it up- but then I wake the next day to find it again. Upon further investigation I now know that my table, and even my hutch next to it, are both infested with powder-post beetles!! Not only is my house being slowly chewed and tunneled apart- now my furniture is victim as well!
This problem is not just here in my home. I take my kids to the park, or I go out in the garden to plant some tomatoes, and although I douse myself in bug spray and all sorts of chemicals sure to cause me cancer, I will return from these jaunts looking like a victim of small pox or something. They will not stop eating me!
Today I went to our outdoor shed to get some gardening tools and potting soil I had stored in there. When I came out I felt very itchy. I had been attacked by ants! They were everywhere- crawling all over my arms and legs, in my hair and in my clothes. I had to immediately run into the shower to get them all off, and hours later I still feel like they are in my ears and down my shirt. I can't stop itching!
I have nightmares about bugs eating me, and attaching their suckers and goo to me. I have panic attacks about my house crumbling to the ground because some creature chewed away all the structural beams holding us upright.
Seriously-what did I do? Somebody just tell me so I can make restitution and be saved from these creepy crawlies. I'm losing it!